It started last night/early this morning. It's gotten to that point in the semester where I'm questioning why I'm studying what I'm studying and what do I really want to do with my life and do I really need to go to college/university and waste so much money to do it?
This is probably a combination of seasonal depression and my actual depression that's making me have a second crisis during my college career. It's been a pure white winter for maybe three months now and I'm sick of the snow and the cold and the blistering winds. I just want it to be warm so I don't feel like absolute shit all the time. Plus I've had a headache for three days that just wants to hang out right above my left eye and it's really starting to get on my nerves.
But the crisis bit isn't new anymore. I have one once a year it would seem. Or sometimes even once a semester. I always get to a point about halfway through (or in this case only a quarter of the way through) when I question why I'm even in school. All I want to do is write books. I don't want to study a "real" subject like journalism that might get me a job in a somewhat lucrative career field. I want to write. I want to tell stories. But do I really need to waste seven years in college to do that? Yes, I said seven. I was originally going to be a teacher but a crisis about this time last year changed that. And now it seems I'm going through the same thing again. I want to write books, maybe work for a magazine as a columnist or whatever, but I just don't feel like I'm going in the right direction.
For those of you who don't know, I want to work on the entertainment side of the magazine industry. I'm thinking Entertainment Weekly or maybe Empire Magazine in the UK. My selfish reason is so I can meet and rub elbows with celebrities. But my non-selfish reason is so I can go out and tell people's stories. I like telling stories. I like learning things about people. I like putting words down on a page (or a word document) and making those words into a story that people will want to read. I also like writing fiction stories, whether that's fanfiction or "real" fiction doesn't matter to me. I can do both. Just lately I've preferred to write fanfiction, though right now "real" fiction is taking precedence due to the fiction writing class I'm currently taking. But even that I don't have to take classes for to know how to write. I already know how. I've been writing since the 4th grade. I think I know how to write. And I've learned how to better my writing with time and practice and trial and error. I don't really need to take classes to know how to write any better. And the classes I'm taking for my journalism degree have all been (so far) about the newspaper side of journalism, not magazine. I don't want to be in newspapers! I just want to do magazines! I want to write feature stories! I don't want to deliver hard-hitting news! I just want to write stories!
This is where my crisis comes in. Do I really need to be in college at all to become a writer? No. Do I really need to be in college at all to become a journalist? Probably not. So why am I wasting so much time and money at school, disappointing my entire family, when I could be disappointing my entire family debt free? What the actual fuck is my life? Why am I always the disappointment? Granted, my brother dropped out of college his freshman year and now all he does is play video games and barely eat and sleep until 3 p.m. Sometimes that's all I want to do too, but I can't. Today has been one of those days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. The only reason I did was because I had an assignment due for my first class that was too important to not turn in. And now I'm just sitting in front of my computer eating ice cream and drinking tea because I thought that combination might help cheer me up.
It didn't.
So now I'm just sitting here questioning my existence and why the hell I'm here and wasting so much time and money on something I'm not even sure I want anymore. And my grandmother will just tell me not to live a failed life and to not give up, but maybe giving up is what I need to do so that I don't live a failed life. Her last card asked me not to become a career college student. Thanks a whole fucking lot. You think I want to be a career college student? You think I'm happy with how my life has turned out? About what I've become? You think I enjoy knowing I used to be an honor roll student and now I can't even make the Dean's list? Yes, thank you so much for reminding me how much of a failure I am. Because I don't already see that on a regular basis. I already know I disappoint my ENTIRE FAMILY on a daily basis because not only have I been in college for four years, but I'm going to be here another three to get the credits for my journalism degree in.
Oh, and if I keep failing classes I'm not going to be able to graduate at all because I can't fucking pass Shakespeare! This is my third time taking it and I was sick of it the first time. Now it's like a gnat buzzing in my ear that won't go away. I just want to take a break from school. Maybe take some online classes while I work at home. I don't know. I don't want to quit entirely, I just don't want to live in the dorms anymore. I want to work so I can actually have some money. I have my license now so I can commute to work if I have to. I just have to share my mom's car with her. Any money I might make will go towards the summer with my penpal comes to visit. I'm still excited for that and I can't wait to finally meet her in person, but I'm just worried that I'll be in a funk when she arrives and I don't want to ruin the two weeks she'll be here.
I need to talk to someone, I know, and I probably will at some point, but right now I just seriously want to sleep or take a hot shower or just lay in bed in the dark and the quiet and do nothing. I don't know what I'm going to do, but right now I need to get ready for my last class and then I have to write for my fiction class. I'll be semi-productive before the weekend arrives and I go home and I see my cat again and I sleep all day and just do nothing because I'm sick of being at school and I just need to get away. Who knows? Maybe I'll feel better after my weekend home.
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